On a quiet Saturday night
Wendy and I are the only ones home. She’s upstairs studying for her massage therapy test on Monday, and I’m here trying to catch up on blogs and what not.
Things at work have shifted so much in the last two months, I haven’t had time to do any of the things I used to do when I had down time. Now down time doesn’t even exist, along with lunches and potty breaks. I’m not complaining. I’ve never had so much fun and had so much creative license. However, by the end of the week I am worn out and ready for a break.
So break I had. Yesterday I headed up to Jan’s house to make jewelry. She has a big show coming up in Las Vegas next month, and we have to build up the inventory and get things ready. We were joined by our dear friend Michidawn, who, although a novice at the jewelry making, was amazingly fast and efficient. Consequently, we got a lot done. It was a great girls’ night and day.
When I got home, Wendy and I watched P.S. I Love You. I was unexpectedly emotional through most of the movie. I don’t do death well and although I liked the movie, I wept through most of it. I’m sure Wendy thinks I’m nuts. She’s moving out next month, and we’re all very, very sad about that. But our little girl has bigger fish to fry and is taking a huge step.
When Michi and I went out for coffee this morning (still in our jammies) we were talking about our coffee habits. This led to her asking me when I joined the Mormon church… which led her to remarking, “Wow, you joined the Church at 19, went on a mission, and then were super active. When you do something, you don’t do it half-way.” Then something hit me, something really obvious to anyone who knows me, but you know me, always the last to know. I do whole heartedly into things whether it is a relationship, a job, a community, whatever. And then, when I realize that not everyone else has the same level of commitment, I develop resentments. Then I leave. Another side to this realization was when I got it that I also build resentments when people didn’t recognize my level of commitment.
That is quite a set-up that I manage to do over and over again in my life. It is totally unfair to anyone else, because obviously no one is going to do something the way I do. And furthermore, what right do I have to judge anyone’s level of commitment? I am really grateful for this realization, because now I can see more clearly how I do this set-up, and in the future I will try to avoid it. At. all. costs.
I know that I give all that I have to anything I believe in, whether it is the Church, or my job, or my relationships. It is one of the things that is really great about me. However, because I am always swimming in deep water in anything I do, I have to realize that not everyone is going to recognize my level of commitment or be impressed with my swimming skills. If I’m going to choose to buy into something I have to do it solely for myself, and not because of what someone else might think. Truth is, I never got it before that I was expecting some kind of recognition for what I did… but I guess I was. That is a crummy set-up for anyone. If I get kudos, they should be the frosting on the cake, not the reason for the cake itself.
Perhaps my realization is what set off my emotional jag tonight, I don’t know. At any event, I’m glad to have a moment where I can blog, can rest, can get the sleep and down-time that I need. I’m trying to do some really good self-care.